


Giving Up

by Ride_Forever



Category: due South
Genre: Community: ds_flashfiction, Community: ds_snippets | dsc6dsnippets, Community: older_not_dead, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, POV First Person, Possibly Pre-Slash, Quintuple Drabble, Self-Reflection, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 22:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18397679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ride_Forever/pseuds/Ride_Forever
Summary: Ray Kowalski gave up on having a normal life some time during the first day he met Fraser.





	Giving Up

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is for the [ ds_flashfiction ](https://ds-flashfiction.dreamwidth.org/)Chicago Lore Challenge and for [ dSC6d_snippets ](https://dsc6dsnippets.dreamwidth.org/)Spring Prompts and for [Older_Not_Dead ](https://older-not-dead.livejournal.com/) Promptathon 29.
> 
> The Chicago Lore aspect for the Chicago Lore Challenge is Chicago Police Lore based on the Chicago Tribune article of March 21, 2019, which said in part “Spate of suicides by Chicago City Cops raises alarm…self-inflicted gunshot wound…parked in their squad car outside their district station…Chicago police officers have a higher suicide rate compared to the national suicide rate at a rate 60 percent higher than the national average”.
> 
> Prompts used from the 29th O_N_D Promptathon prompt list:  
> Giving up on a dream  
> Giving up on life  
> Giving up on love  
> Giving up on having a normal life  
> I give up  
> Never giving up on you
> 
> Word prompts used from the dSC6D Spring Snippets prompt list: mystify, amplify, satisfy.  
>   
> And lyrics prompt:  
> “I had a dream and you were in it  
> The blue of your eyes was infinite  
> You seemed to be  
> In love with me  
> Which isn’t very realistic” --  
> (lyrics by The Magnetic Fields from “I Don’t Believe You”)  
> [Additional lyrics used from the same song: "So you're brilliant gorgeous  
> And ampersand after ampersand"]
> 
> With a big TYK to my beta, [verushka70](https://archiveofourown.org/users/verushka70), for skill, insight, near-constant beta availability, and general awesomeness. 
> 
> ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

_I gave up on having a normal life_ some time during that first day I met Fraser -- _I gave up on having Fraser_ some time during that second year of his not answering my letters. 

Now I’m sitting in a squad car, out in front of the 4th District where I’m a newly minted Lieutenant. 4th District, yeah, South Chicago, welcome home Ray. But it’s never felt like home the same way after Canada, after our Quest. I catch myself thinking about that Magnetic Fields song. “I had a dream and you were in it. The blue of your eyes was infinite. You seemed to be in love with me which isn’t very realistic.” Yeah, that one, and then there’s some line about “So you're brilliant gorgeous and ampersand after ampersand”. Ampersand, heh, there’s a Fraser word for ya.

I read an article in today’s “Chicago Tribune” that said Chicago police officers have a higher suicide rate compared to the national suicide rate -- 60 percent higher than the national average. And they usually do it with their service weapon…sure …convenient. And a lot of ‘em do it in a squad car right in front of their district HQ. Like right where I am now, and hey, my service weapon’s in my hand now. 

This isn’t where I want to be as I’m about to turn 60. This isn’t where I’ve wanted to be for the past coupla decades. Not that I’m mystified about how this happened. I got off a dogsled. I applied for Canadian citizenship. I didn’t get accepted. I got on a plane – well, coupla planes – and went back to Chicago. I turned a corner. I walked into another CPD assignment. There’s the new District Attorney. Stella. I asked myself if I’m going in circles here. I told myself the one circle that wouldn’t be me going in circles would be the Arctic Circle.

I heft my gun and think about when we crossed the water into Canada and right then Fraser was legal to shoot. And Fraser was always brilliant and gorgeous …but Fraser when he caught that gun from up in the air and hit every target…that was Fraser amplified, Fraser in his own element, Fraser in Canada.

One bullet now and I wouldn’t have to wonder ever again why he went silent on me. One bullet now and the moment before I pulled the trigger I could have the satisfaction of knowing I was going to have the last word by way of the last silence. 

I reholster my gun and think I really do wanna give up, but I don’t wanna give up _that_ way. I wanna give up giving up on love, give up giving up on life, give up giving up on dreams, give up giving up on Fraser.

Remind myself about being a detective, about cases where I never gave up and I solved them. 

_Never giving up on you, Fraser._ You’re gonna be the next case I solve.


End file.
